The inventor of predictive text pissed away yesterday , his funfair is next monkey.

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy!

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows’

My pet mouse Elvis died last night. He was caught in a trap.

A mate of mine has been collecting magazines on Osteopathy for nearly twenty years now, he has lots of back issues.

I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping,
but apart from that I’m really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home.

I just dumped my imaginary girl friend, I thought she’d be upset but she was made up!

My wife thinks I can read minds, well she hasn’t said it out loud yet!

My mate bought a foot-pump yesterday, now he has the biggest feet in town!