To celebrate the 30th anniversary of Viz Comic we are publishing the first part of our Viz Top Tips.
Climb onto your neighbour’s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He’ll think his house is underwater.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741Y
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Bomb disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
Bus drivers. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.