One Liners (Part 1)

The inventor of predictive text pissed away yesterday , his funfair is next monkey.

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy!

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows’

My pet mouse Elvis died last night. He was caught in a trap.

A mate of mine has been collecting magazines on Osteopathy for nearly twenty years now, he has lots of back issues.

I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping,
but apart from that I’m really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home.

I just dumped my imaginary girl friend, I thought she’d be upset but she was made up!

My wife thinks I can read minds, well she hasn’t said it out loud yet!

My mate bought a foot-pump yesterday, now he has the biggest feet in town!

Irish Economics!

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town and he stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk. He tells the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. Continue reading Irish Economics!

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.100 euro

The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local lady of the night drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.

The lady then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything, but the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

The Billionaire Kid.

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says “I wanna be a billionaire Miss” Continue reading The Billionaire Kid.


“I’ll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day!”.

The teacher is shocked and and is not quite sure how to deal with his bad behaviour on this occasion.

She decides not to give importance to what he said and continue the lesson.

“So Susie. What do you want to be when you grow up?” the teacher asks.

Susie says “I just wanna be Johnny’s bitch!”

Sweet Whiskey?

One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

“Could you taste this for me, please?” Continue reading Sweet Whiskey?

irish whiskey

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy.

“No, not at all,” says the chemist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy.

“The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

Nightclub Magic

A policeman searched me in a Nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, Continue reading Nightclub Magic

nightclub“Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.”

“Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed.

I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!”

“Go on then.” he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.”
“What for?” I asked.
He said, “The drugs.”
I said, “What drugs?”

The Understanding Cop

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.
“Everything alright officer?” I asked. Continue reading The Understanding Cop

traffic cop

“Not really sir,” he replied, “Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner.”

“What do you expect?” I said, “I’ve had a dozen beers.”

He laughed, “In that case sir, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home.”

Too Smart for Dad.

“Dad, can I have some money?” asked my 13-year-old son today as he headed for the door. Continue reading Too Smart for Dad.

piles of cash

I said, “It depends, where are you going?”

“To see a girl.” he replied,

“Oh yeah,” I winked, handing him some cash, “And who exactly is this girl and when are we going to meet her?”

“You’re not!” He replied: “She’s the cashier in the shop where I buy my cigarettes.”

Noisy Drunk

“What the fuck is all that noise?” my wife yelled at me from our bedroom, when I came home from my mates birthday party. Continue reading Noisy Drunk

case of beer
I staggered a bit further and shouted back: “I’m trying to get two cases of beer and a bottle of whiskey up the stairs you miserable cow.”

“Well, leave them until morning, you stupid idiot! You are so late it’ll be getting light soon!”, she yelled.
“I can’t,”‘ I slurred back, “I’ve already drunk them!”

Doctors and Patients

A woman brings ten-year-old Johnny home from a play date with her 10 year old daughter, Mary. Johnny’s mother opens he front door is immediately confronted by Mary’s angry mother Continue reading Doctors and Patients

who doctors and patientsinforms her that: “Johnny was caught playing doctors and patients with Mary in their games room!”

Johnny’s mother says: “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

The Secretary’s Cover Up

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off to her house where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, Continue reading The Secretary’s Cover Up

they fell asleep and didn’t wake until 8pm.

my secretaryAs the man threw on his clothes, he told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he got home. “Darling, I can’t lie to you.” he replied, “I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.    “The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”