A girl came up to me in a bar – she was wearing a short skirt, had beautiful breasts like ripe fruit and was drinking an exotic cocktail. Â “What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?” she Continue reading Going Commando?
A guy sticks his head round the door of the barbershop and asks, ‘How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours’, ‘OK’ said the guy and left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head round the door Continue reading No Time For A Haircut!
A week later, the same guy returns and stucks his head into the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half today Sir.’ True to form the guy walked away.
However this time the barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ‘So what’s so funny and where does that guy go when he leaves?’
Bill looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ‘Your house!’
To celebrate the 30th anniversary of Viz Comic we are publishing the first part of our Viz Top Tips. Continue reading Viz Top Tips
Climb onto your neighbour’s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He’ll think his house is underwater.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741Y
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Bomb disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
Bus drivers. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
Continue reading The Blonde Mortician
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…
So I just swapped their heads.’
Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing. Continue reading Mystery Valentine
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?'” says the man.
“Why on earth are you doing that?” asks Bill.
“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.” replies the man.
Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya gotÂ in those bags?”
“Just sand,” replied Jose. Continue reading The Sand Deliverer
The guard says, “OK get off the bike and we’ll take a look. Who carrys all that sand around?”
The guard takes the bags and emptys them on the ground and sure enough there’s nothing but sand.
However he is suspicious and so he detains Jose overnight while he gets the sand analysed. The next morning he receives the report that states that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard has no choice but to release Jose and puts the sand into new bags, slings them onto the man’s shoulders, and waves him across the border.
A week later exactly the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got in those bags?”
Jose replies “Sand.”
The guard performs the same examinations on the bags and discovers nothing but sand. Once again he gives the sand back to Jose who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for over a year until finally Jose stops showing up.
A few weeks later the guard bumps into Jose in a Cantina in a local village.
The guard approaches Jose and says , “What’s happend to you lately I haven’t seen you”.
Jose replies “That’s right I have finished the job I was doing.” “So what sort of job involves taking bags of sand over the border” asks the guard.
Jose sips at his beer and replies, “Smuggling bicycles!”
Young Simon was walking around his localÂ supermarketÂ picking up a few items forÂ his evening meal when he noticed an old lady was following him.Â He tried to ignore her butÂ everyÂ direction he went she followed.Â Continue reading Goodbye Mother!
Eventually he went to the checkout, but the old lady managed to push in front of him and turned to speak to him.
“I beg your pardon,” she said, “I am veryÂ sorry if I have alarmed you by following you around, but you look just like my son who died recently.”
“I am very sorry to hear that,” replied Simon, “that must be very disconcerting for you. Is there anything I can do to help you?”
“Well there is one thing that would cheer me up a bit,” she said. “As I’m leaving, will you call out ‘Goodbye mother’ to me?”
“Of course,” answered Simon and as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
The girl on the till checked out his items and said “That will be $135.”
Simon was shocked. “How can my bill be Â£135?” he asked, “I’ve only bought a few things!”
The checkout girl replied, “Your mother said that you would pay for her!”
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Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again. Continue reading Fare revenge?
A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home.Â The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…
A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: “Jesus is watching you.” Continue reading Jesus and the thief
Startled he looks around the room but there doesn’t seem to be anyone there, so he carries on stashing the valuables into his bag.
Then he hears the voice again: “Jesus is watching you.”
He looks around the room again, only this time more thoroughly, and he spies a parrot in a cage.
He walks over to the cage and says: “My, my, a talking parrot. Are you Jesus then?”
“No” replies the bird, “I’m Moses.”
The thief is most amused: “What sort of people would call their parrot Moses?” he asks, barely suppressing a laugh.
“The same people that call a Rottweiler Jesus!” replies the parrot.
One evening as Jack passed little Tommyâ€™s bedroom he overheard his son praying, “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa.”
The Dad wasnâ€™t quite sure what Tommy meant by this, but was pleased to see his son praying.
Continue reading Prayers Can Come True
However, the next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack. Jack was rather spooked but convinced himself that it was just a coincidence.
The next night, he heard Tommy praying again: “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy. Bye bye Grandma.”
Jack was getting worried now, but decided to just wait and see what transpired. He awoke early and went to check on Gradma, sure enough she was laying dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack.
Jack was really scared now and made sure that he was listening outside Tommyâ€™s bedroom door when he prayed that night.
His worst fears were realised when Tommy said, â€œGod bless Mummy. Bye bye Daddy.”
Now Jack was terrified. He couldnâ€™t sleep at all that night and went to the doctor’s first thing the next morning for a check up. After getting a clean bill of health from the doctor he went to work and spent the day being exceedingly careful.
When he finally arrived home that evening his wife was waiting at the front door.
Â “Thank God you’re home,” She said, “Weâ€™ve had another terrible day here. The postman dropped dead on our drive this morning!”