“When we left the pub, instead of the way I usually walk home, I cut across the railway to get home a bit quicker, I’d had a good drink after all.”
“Well there was this girl tied to the tracks, so I untied her and took her home with me”
“What happened then?” His mates demanded.
“Well I had sex with her all night until I was exhausted. I had her on the sofa, I had her on the kitchen table and then I took her to bed with me and carried on some more”.
“You lucky bastard”, said one of his mates, “did you get a blow job?
A policeman was patrolling a local lover’s lane parking spot overlooking a golf course. As he drove around he passed a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.
He stopped his patrol car and went over to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s side of the car and knocked on the window. The young man looked up, wound down the window and said, “Good evening officer.”
“What are you doing parked here?” the policeman asked. “Well officer,” replied the young man, “I’m reading this magazine.”
The police officer pointed towards the young lady in the back seat and asked, “And what is she doing?”. The young man looked over to the back seat and replied, “What does it look like she is doing? She’s knitting.”
“And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man. “I’m eighteen.” he replied.
“And how old is the young lady?” asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about seven minutes she’ll be sixteen.”
Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.The nurse says, ‘Oh he’s out in rehab exercising’. Tom couldn’t believe it, but there’s Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm.
The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill. But a couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, ‘He’s out in the rehab again exercising’.
Sure enough, there’s Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. Bill comes back to work in two days fully recovered.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.
The nurse breaks down crying and says, ‘He’s dead!’
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. ‘I suppose the saw finally did him in?’, sighs Tom.
‘No,’ says the nurse, ‘Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.’
Thinking it was a very stupid question he replied on impulse. “No, I’m starting The Dog Food Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but by then I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”
Shocked, the woman said “50 pounds?”.
“Yes”, he replied, “it was essentially the perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I am going to try it again.”
At this point everyone in the queue was enthralled with the story.
However the woman was horrified and asked if he’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because he had been poisoned.
“No”, he said “It was because I was sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.”
Stupid woman……….why else would he be buying dog food??
A man gets stopped for speeding at 95 mph in a 50 speed limit zone. The cop askes for his drivers license and the guy says, “I’m sorry officer, but my license has been suspended.”
The cop askes for his registration. “It’s in the glove compartment” replies the man, “but it’s not in my name.”
“Why is that” asks the cop. “Well it’s because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman who was driving the car. Then I stuffed her in the boot of the car and the gun I used to kill her is in the glove compartment.”
This is too much for the officer to handle and he tells the man to keep his hands on the wheel while he radios for back-up.
When the sergeant shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks round to the man in the car. The sergeant asks to see the guy’s drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information.
The sergeant asks for the registration and the guy says, “It’s in the Glove compartment.” The sergeant tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment.
There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order. Next the sergeant asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the sergeant tells the guy what the other cop had told him.
The guy replies “I bet that lying pig told you I was speeding too!”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’
The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’
A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘ I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more’
‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’
‘So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘ Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘ It depends where you’re calling from.’
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.†So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,†Dave says.
“President Bush,†his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,†Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.†And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.â€
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,†his boss replies.
“Sure!†says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.†So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,â€This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.â€
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?â€
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?â€
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Continue reading A Warning for Men
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer” to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large “kegs.”
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them”. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: “something bad” occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “A Relationship.”
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “Marriage.” Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages .
Bill was the manager of a big corporation’s office in the financial district.Â
One day the president called him into his office. He told Bill that due to the recent downturn in the markets the company would have to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Susan would have to be laid off. Continue reading The Boss’s Dilema
Bill was distraught, he had worked with Jack and Susan for years, they were both great at their jobs, what could he do, how could he decide?
Bill looked at the Company President and said “Both Jack and Susan are great workers and great people, how can I possibly decide who to fire?”
The President was sympathetic to Bill’s dilema: “I suggest you use a random decider…the first one that uses the water cooler in the morning should be the one you fire.”
“OK, I guess that’s as good as any other method, I’ll do it” replied Bill.
The next morning Bill waited for Jack and Susan to show up.
Susan was the first arrival and after removing her coat walked straight to the water cooler.
Bill’s decision had been made for him! He called Susan in to his office.
“Susan I have a terrible problem.”
“Oh no! Can I help?” replied Susan.
“Well you see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
Susan replied: “Do you mind jacking off as I’ve got one hell of a hangover this morning.”