Grandma Causes Trouble

Little Brian was staying with his grandmother for the school holidays. He had been playing outside with the local children and then returned to the house.
Continue reading Grandma Causes Trouble

He asked, “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was rather startled at the question, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Brian just said, “Oh, OK, thank you Grandma” and went back outside to play with the other kids again.

Ten minutes later he came back in crying and said, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Tommy’s Mum wants to talk to you!”

The Free Contest

Bill and Tom drove to a petrol station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to customers who purchase a full tank.

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

Continue reading The Free Contest

“How do we enter?” asked Bill.

“Well it’s very simple,” replied the attendant, “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”  

“O.K. I guess 7, ” said Bill.

“Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” responded the attendant. “Come back soon and try again”

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get petrol.

When they went inside to pay, this time Tom asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

“Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex.”

“In that case I guess 2,” said Tom.

“Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.”

As they walked back to the car, Bill said, “You know what Tom, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”

“No way,” said Tom, “My wife won twice last week!”

Some Blondes Are Clever!

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on a plane. The lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Continue reading Some Blondes Are Clever!

Eventually the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds.  He said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.

The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde accepted as she was fed up with his pestering.

The lawyer asked the first question: “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.  Then the blonde asked her first question:  “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer was puzzled.  He spent several hours looking up everything he could on his laptop and placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.  Finally, angry and frustrated,  he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

The Crocodile Wager

A guy walked into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He put the crocodile up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. 
Continue reading The Crocodile Wager

“I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll open this croc’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.  He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my tackle undamaged.  In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile’s open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the croc hard on the top of its head. It opened his mouth and the man removed his member, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

My Wife Will Kill Me

Two friends, Bill and Bob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Bill throws up all over himself. “Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!”
Continue reading My Wife Will Kill Me

Bob says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just stick a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get totally plastered.

Eventually Bill stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of drink and you’ve puked all over yourself! You are disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Bill says, “Now wainaminit, I can eshplain everythin. It’snot wha you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy puked all over me. He was reeling and he juss could’n hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks…”

“Oh, yeah… I almos’ forgot, he crapped in my pants, too.

The Search for the Perfect Woman

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
Continue reading The Search for the Perfect Woman

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.

The Old Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
Continue reading The Old Explorer

The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me.  Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us.  I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!    I soiled myself.”

The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same, it must have been a terrifying experience!”

The old explorer said, “No, not then – just now when I went ROARRRR!”

The Christmas Party Hangover

Bill wakes up with a dreadful hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party the night before. He had been in a terrible state, he didn’t even remember how he got home from the party and was certain that he would be in deep trouble with his wife, just like last year.

Continue reading The Christmas Party Hangover

He decided he would have to get up and face what he had coming to him, but the first thing he notices is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. As he washes down the asprins he notices a small vase containing a single red rose. 
Bill can’t quite understand what is going on but he staggers to the bathroom and looks in the mirror not only does he have a huge black eye but there is a note stuck to the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick.  The note read: “Darling, breakfast is in the oven, I have gone to the supermarket early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He gets some clothes on and stumbles down to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son, Bill Jr. is also at the table, eating. Bill asks his son what happened the night before?

“Well Dad, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you fell into the door.”

Confused, he asks Bill Jr. “So why is the special treatment from your Mum? The asprins, the loving note, the special dinner, breakfast on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes off to get you into bed, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”

The New Barmaid

A Pub Landlord advertises for a new barmaid and is delighted to receive applications from three equally suitable candidates for the job.
He calls them all in to see him and at the end of each interview he asks each one the same single question.
Continue reading The New Barmaid

“If you were cleaning the bar once it was closed for the night and found a ten pound note on the floor, what would you do with it?”

The first candidate replied “I would place the money in the till. You have been kind enough to give me a job and I am happy with my wage. The money is yours.”

The second candidate replied “I would place the money in the till and take five pounds out for myself. That way we are splitting the money, and thats only fair.”

The third candidate replied “I would keep the money. Its a perk of doing the most menial task and, as such, it is my right to keep any money I find.”

Which one got the job?

The one with the biggest tits.

The Blonde Cop

A blonde police officer stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The driver searches around in her handbag but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
Continue reading The Blonde Cop

The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?” The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.” The cop says, “Let me see it, then.”

So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You are free to go.”