Drinks on the House

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home. Continue reading Drinks on the House

“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”

“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”

“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”

“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”

The Sanity Check

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how it was decided which patients should be kept in and which were ready to be discharged. Continue reading The Sanity Check

The director said:  “Well, we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub”.

The visitor said, “Oh, I see, and of course a normal person would chose the bucket because it’s the biggest”.

The director said: “No! A normal person would pull the plug out.”

“Would you like a bed near the window?”

Cheating Wives

Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar.

Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.” Continue reading Cheating Wives

“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.

“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

Simon then says: “Same with me!  I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”

“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”

“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Bill and Simon look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious.  The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Playing Doctors and Nurses

Little Johnny has been playing at his friend Mary’s house all afternoon when Mary’s mother brings Johnny home, and she looks very angry. Continue reading Playing Doctors and Nurses

Mary’s mother says: “I caught your son playing docotrs and nurses with my poor little daughter”.

Johnny’s mother replies: “Let’s not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”

“Curious about sex?!” Replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her appendix out!”

The Late Night Caller

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock, knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.

I will happily ignore that he thinks, and tries to go back to sleep.

However, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife who is also awake now.
Continue reading The Late Night Caller

Not wanting a row he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door to be greeted by a man standing outside.

“Hey mate,” says the stranger, “can you give me a push please?”

“You’re joking! It’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed fast asleep,” says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

“That’s charming”, she says, “Don’t you remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way home, you had to knock at that house to get help?  What would have happened if they had refused us?”

“OK, OK” he says in resignation, and gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door but can’t see the stranger anywhere.  So he shouts, “Hello, do you still want a push?”

In the distance a voice cries out, “Yes please.”

Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

“Over here, on the swings.”

The Doctors Date.

At a medical seminar, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other across the room.
Continue reading The Doctors Date.

The male doctor saunters over and the flirting continues, eventually he asks her to dinner and she happily accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.

She returns from the bathroom and there is no stopping them.

After the love making, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands again.

When she returns the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.

“Why do you think that?” she asks.

“Easy,” says the male doctor, “you’re always running off to wash your hands.”

She retorts, “I bet you’re an anesthetist.”

The male doctor, surprised, asks “Wow, how did you guess?”

“I didn’t feel a thing.”

Smart Debt Management.

Bill and Frank are in a bank waiting to be served, when suddenly armed robbers burst in.
Continue reading Smart Debt Management.

Two of the robbers take the money from the tellers, while the other lines the customers, including Bill and Frank, up against a wall.

This third robber proceeds to take wallets, cash, watches and other valuables from the terrified customers.

All of a sudden Frank turns to Bill and says “Here take this”, as he stuffs something into his hand.

Without looking down, Bill says “What is it?”

Frank replies, “It’s that £50 I owe you.”

Caught in the Act

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.
Continue reading Caught in the Act

Suddenly, just as they are reaching the climax, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, “Oh God! My husband is home early. Quick, go and hide in the bathroom!”

The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you in bed and naked in the middle of the afternoon?” he asks suspiciously.

The woman smiles and says sweetly, “Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!”

“Ah, Ok then,” the husband replies, “but I must use the bathroom first.”

Before his wife can stop him, he opens the bathroom door and is greeted by the naked man standing there clapping his hands.

“Who the hell are you!” the husband asks.

“I’m from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with.”

The husband, almost purple with rage, exclaims, “Then why you are naked!”

The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, “Those little bastards!”

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual act including his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Continue reading The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

Suddenly a blonde woman in the middle of the crowd stands up and starts shouting at the stage.

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

“What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”

“It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to stutter an apology when the blonde yells,  “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”

Grandma Causes Trouble

Little Brian was staying with his grandmother for the school holidays. He had been playing outside with the local children and then returned to the house.
Continue reading Grandma Causes Trouble

He asked, “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was rather startled at the question, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Brian just said, “Oh, OK, thank you Grandma” and went back outside to play with the other kids again.

Ten minutes later he came back in crying and said, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Tommy’s Mum wants to talk to you!”